I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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