it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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