One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
