You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
