Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am one with the molecules
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
