This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
