Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
