You're so nebulous sometimes
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
