I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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