Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
