I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
