you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
