come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
