If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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