Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
