It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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