Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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