I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
