Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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