Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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