i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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