If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
