why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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