im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
