At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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