There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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