I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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