Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
