I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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