At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
