Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
