apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
