the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize