Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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