My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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