he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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