I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
