The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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