I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
