I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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