You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
