i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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