We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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