He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
