I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
