Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
