My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm having to shit out rocks
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