she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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