theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
