Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The air was thick with penises
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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