She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.