and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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