I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
