The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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