Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
