I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
