Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
