apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
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Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize