Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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