If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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