fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
