Someone shit on the floor
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
